How to meet a man

Oprah did a show recently on how to meet a man if you're over 35. Fascinating. The number one thing mentioned was women, if you want to meet a man, never go out of the house without dressing up and looking hot. Short skirt would be nice, and a little make-up, even if you're just running out to get a newspaper or a cup of coffee. The women balked, of course. Why should I get dressed up if I'm just going to run out and do an errand. That's not realistic. But the guys replied that as a general rule, they are extremely visual. That doesn't mean that they'll expect you to dress up every time they see you. It means, if you want to meet a man, and you're just running to the store for some bread, why not do double duty... the errand and the opportunity to meet Mr. Right? If you want to make every trip out of the house an opportunity to meet a man, take the extra time to put yourself together before you go out. Okay, I can buy that. Maybe not a mini skirt and make up, but not tattered sweats and bags under your eyes, either. My question is: what about the guys? Why don't they take a minute to put themselves together before stepping out their front door. Why the double standard? We can appreciate the beauty of a well put together man every bit as much as they can appreciate us. True, many women feel they can fix their guy once they've caught him, but what about those of us that would rather he already have this skill? Why can't we expect the same visual candy as the guys who want us to be dressed to kill?

Next, men want women to give them some indication that we're interested in them. This, according to the men, was done all through the eyes. Men say they can tell with a single glance if we're interested and they'll follow up on that glance IF THEY'RE INTERESTED. In other words, if you've caught a man's eye, he will make the next move. If he doesn't, he's not interested. No need to make another advance. Men, like women, do not want to risk rejection. Show the man you would like to talk, and he'll follow your lead.

Another interesting point, go where the men are (golf course driving range, hardware store) and ask for help. Men do not mind being interrupted. In fact, they like it, assuming of course that they are available. (Check for a ring.) Men like the chance to interact with a woman without that fear of rejection. Important: do not talk on the cell phone while you are out by yourself and wanting to meet a man. They will not risk interrupting your phone conversation to talk to you. Many women talk on the phone while out alone so they don't appear to be desperate or obvious. Do not do this. Think about it. Would you interrupt a man talking on his cell phone to ask him to help you swing a golf club? Another hint, if trying to meet a man at the local Home Depot, do not hang around the paint section with all the other women. Go to the lumber section, or the section with with the rows and rows of screws. Much easier to find a man and ask a question...

Bottom line, women must be willing to put themselves out and not wait for Mr. Right to approach them. Men fear rejection just as much as we do. Start with the eyes.....show your interest. If you're brave enough to take another step, ask for their assistance. They assure us they'll do the rest.

We have met the enemy and he is us

Relationships take commitment. That means when things get tough you have to overcome yourself (which usually means your feelings) and work through them. Overcoming ourselves, working through our issues or exploring all facets of our being is what our main work in life is. All the rest is just living. The reason I've found that people don't or won't do this work is because their feelings become too intense.

This is especially true for men. We need to diminish or remove those feelings, so we get the 'fight or flight' syndrome down pat. We can fight either verbally, physically or emotionally. We can take flight either physically or emotionally by just shutting down. Intense feelings are something men just want to get rid of and they will do it any way they can. Boys don't cry and men don't express feelings. If we would take just a few minutes to let our partner know what is going on, our relationships would be taken to a new level. It does not mean we need to become girly men. It has been said that it is easier for a man to go to war than to deal with his feelings. When intense feelings come up we feel we are out of control and need to regain the upper hand immediately. We are not out of control. We are just lost in territory that is beginning to be explored. Dealing with some upset in the moment, as it is happpening, prevents it from becoming bigger. Taking control of your life means dealing with it, not avoiding it.

Exploring your inner life with your partner is one of the most rewarding and intimate acts you can bring to the relationship. Take a risk and if it doesn't work the first time don't stop. If you keep going the rewards will outstrip anything you can imagine.

Notice what you love

Hi, this is Marilyn checking in. After seeing clients all day yesterday, this is what's on my mind.

Do you ever stop and think about what your predominant thought about your partner is? Do you wake up in the morning thinking "oh, I'm so lucky to be in this relationship?" Or do you focus on what you're not getting? I wish we'd have sex more often? I wish he/she wouldn't spend so much money. Why can't we ever have dinner at home? go to a movie? take a walk together? I find it amazing that most people feel that their predominant thoughts about their partner are loving, yet when they actually stop and think about it, they realize how negative their thoughts are. One of the fastest ways to improve your relationship is to focus on what your partner is doing right. Even if they have a list of behaviors you'd like them to change, focus on the behaviors you appreciate. Mention the things you love about them. I promise you, if you can do that consistently, the list of behaviors you like will increase. An added bonus: you'll actually get happier and start loving them more. Try it for a week and let me know what happens.

here we go...

I'm starting this blog today for a couple of reasons. The first of which is to help people understand the small things you can do to make a relationship great. The second reason is to generate traffic to our site and allow others to make use of some of the tools there. You see, I'm a relationship specialist and along with my wife Marilyn, we have a counseling service called The Relationship Specialists.

After working in the self development field for a combined 55 years we thought we might have something to say that could help people make their relationships a little easier. And a little happier. And a little more meaningful. So you see we've set big goals for ourselves. I hope you will stay tuned and also give us feedback on what we offer. Who knows? Your own contributions might end up in a book some day.

We will be using some examples from our own relationship, some from our friends and some from past clients. Due to confidentiality agreements, we will not be able to give any identifying details regarding past clients. Therefore most of the examples we use will just identify specific behaviors, reactions and emotions that come up within a relationship. We hope by proceeding this way you will be able to see some of the same behaviors, reactions and emotions within your own life and put our solutions to use in making your relationship a better one. That's our hope anyway and we will begin as soon as Marilyn checks in.